Monday, November 4, 2013

Awful Videogame Ideas that Should Totally Happen

Final Fantasy 7: Shinra Kart Division (PS3/Vita)
Genre: Kart Racing

The Final Fantasy series is in disarray for the western world. For Square-Enix, who chose to not localize Type-0, the game Final Fantasy fans desired, and to make Final Fantasy 13 a trilogy, a game that fans were majority-wise unhappy about and wanted nothing more to do with beyond the original title, it is clear that something wonky is occurring in the Final Fantasy department, and that they're soon to lose even more fans for a once universally beloved series.
So let me ask this; what is the most efficient way to reground interest into a turbulent series? Don't answer; shut up; you're wrong. There is nothing better than Go-Karts!
It's clear that Final Fantasy 7 is the most well-regarded entry in the series. Whether it is the game that made gaming "important," or the game that exemplified "Over-rated-ness" to someone, it really doesn't matter; Final Fantasy 7 is the series' entry most played and known, and is the most logical choice for a Kart racer, a genre that doesn't really do much beside oblige a proven gameplay formula and greedily bathe in tapped nostalgia-pools.
But don't think about that! Instead, forget about those sixty bones you just dropped and gush as Cloud Strife side-swipes enemies with his buster-sword, or Turk-Version Vincent makes an emo-boy sob everytime he bounces. Of course, each power-up, that do the same things that they do in every kart-racer, is cosmetically applicable to Final Fantasy 7 as well. Stuck in last place? Well you've a much higher chance of earning Knights of the Round, where the many summoned warriors will race throughout the entire map and disrupt your opponents! Or maybe you'll earn the Mt. Coral Train-Set, which simply explodes the entire race and creates a draw!
Get excited, Final Fantasy fans; Square-Enix is ready to unleash yet another title that is wholly questionable in its delivery--- except this time you'll be too busy rekindling Aeris memories to bother rioting on the Internet about!

Kirby: I'm Not a Conformist (3DS)
Genre: Word Game 
Kirby's never had his chance. His whole life has been spent trying to live up to the expectations of his creators, pursuing things that everyone else is doing, mimicking all the posers and looking cute and happy when, deep down, he's brimming with severe anxiety. But it's gotten to the point where his aspirin, which he tells everyone is actually Prozac, isn't working anymore. Kirby's simply had it inhaling all the conformist junk and is ready to stand up, read-aloud his unedited free-verse poems, and make the world realize that they totally don't understand him.
One of the things that hardcore gamers critique Nintendo about most is that their titles don't take advantage of using videogames as a more meaningful outlet beyond entertainment, and that Nintendo is in the most prime position to push videogames above the media-prescribed negative connotations but neglects to do so. Instead, Nintendo "plays it safe" by focusing on creating enjoyable pieces of entertainment rather than constructing titles boasting biased philosophies and 3D-rendered tear-stains.
But no more! In Kirby: I'm Not a Conformist! gamers will spend their time constructing poetry that furthers Kirby's pursuit of somewhat individuality and self-esteem by using the Nintendo 3DS touch-screen to write uber-dark poetry. But don't worry; no matter how radical I'm Not a Conformist! sounds, Nintendo knows better than to assume you are as independent as Kirby. Instead, the game offers upwards of two hundred stock phrases for the player to independently choose from; is your poem about "The cry of a sparrow," or the "Blood that Drips from a Fallen Phoenix?" Nintendo has you covered! Don't worry about having to come up with something skillful; the most important thing is obliging Kirby's wholly sincere fit for being recognized as a meaningful (although he will then say he is totally incomprehensible and beyond understanding) individual!

Around the World With: Nathan Drake (Vita)
Genre: Adventure/Education
I've always been confused by education games. As they are, indeed, videogames, and are games that have empirical, practical value beneficial to any person, and offer this practicality in delightful, fun games, you'd think they'd have reached a more successful zenith in the videogame market by now. But they haven't, and there's so obvious a reason why that it's borderline maddening some developer hasn't caught onto it yet:
There aren't any guns and explosions, bro!
In Around the World With: Nathan Drake, the title takes advantage of everything established in the Uncharted series except for Nathan Drake mass-murdering indigenous people of countries he doesn't understand beyond their ancient history. Don't worry, patriots: it isn't that we're "against" Nathan Drake being a pristine Freedom Fighter, but that to meet an ESRB applicable to kids we simply can't have Nathan gun-running entire nations he knows nothing about in his morally-reasonable pursuit of man-handling historically-spared areas.
"But if Nathan hasn't a gun," you ask, "Then how is this fun?" Well we're going to keep everything but Nathan with a gun. By being able to focus more on minimizing international cultures to war-obsessed territories rife with black-and-white personalities, we can create even more cinematics brimming with explosions, retain gorgeous graphics which are clearly the most important thing in a modern game, as well as enlist even more totally not blatantly scripted and meaningless platform sections that the player literally can't fail at; we all know how much gamers like "choice" in their videogames!
So how does this play? You control Nathan, traveling through war-zones inside gorgeous city environments, and manage your way from one education-area to the next. In these peaceful places, Nathan meets up with Sully who then propositions him with a series of challenges to uncover excessively biased culutral and historical facts concerning why whatever place in the world your at is nothing more than violent and irate. These facts are "discovered" by partaking in various puzzles that have you lift a crate from one side of the room to another, or maybe swing on a chandelier as you pick up the several torn pieces of a once cohesive and intelligent text and read only the applicable segments concerning what we decide is reasonable. Don't worry, parochial parents; we'll be sure to omit the part where most third-world dictatorships and violent repressions are financially backed by foreign superpowers with intentions of retaining sweatshop-levels of poverty and economic inferiority to uphold corporate backing; obviously your kids don't need to know about that stuff!!

Alan Wake: Origins (Xbox 360)
Genre: Action-Adventure
Did you know that Edgar Allen Poe was an alcoholic? And F. Scott Fitzgerald? And Charles Bukowski? And many, many more writers also? Of the several artistic fields, creative-writing tends to be the only one conductive of alcohol dependency, an imaginative process that is not consciously but unconsciously present, tapped into solely by degrading one's own brain with a surplus of booze before perceiving the many angles, worlds, and lives present in the imagination.
Enter Alan Wake: Origins. In this prologue, Alan Wake exists prior to his critical success as a mystery author, living day-by-day while working an overnight stocking job at a super-market and hammering out as much of his novel's 1st-draft he can before falling asleep. Every day he is tormented by the many emails of various literary magazines alerting him that his short-stories were "Well written, but unfortunately we cannot use them at this time." Living inside a cramped apartment stuffed on the second floor of a derelict-enthused inn/pub, Alan battles internally his need to construct a manuscript that will launch his career and dream of being a successful writer, and the savory, immediate pleasures present in the hedonistic bar right below his feet. He continues this battle without answer for some time, but eventually the demons of either side come to haunt him both mentally and physically.
In Origins you play as Alan Wake on his nocturnal weekends, which he christens by having three or seven beers with his Wheaties before stumbling out for a moonlit stroll. As a writer, Alan is obviously an introvert, and so instead of going to clubs or late-night coffee-shops Alan spends his time wandering pitch-black woods and shadowy lakes. It is here, in dark and desolate places, that Alan's inebriated fantasies come to life in the form of murderous and paranormal entities, leading him toward either the continuity of his craft as a writer, or into the negligent, forgettable slums as a drunk. No less, neither side has a definitive outcome; using a morality system equally as brilliant as Bioshock, it is up to the player to choose either outcome for Alan; will he pursue the refinement of his art, or drink more beer and pass out on a bench with a by-the-hour prostitute? There is no "good-or-bad;" it's up to the player to decide!

Capcom Carousal: Because We're Neglected! (PS3/3DS)
Genre: Mini-Game Collection
Alike Square-Enix, Capcom is also a company host to some seriously questionable decisions. Whether it's blaming fans for the downfall of a beloved series or proclaiming philosophies of focusing more on established series but then ignoring the ones that everybody loves, Capcom is certainly a confusing company, and one that will probably persist in awful decision-making for years to come.
So what about those amazing series? When will a modern Powerstone come out, or won't Onimusha ever get the continuation it certainly deserves? Can't we at least get an HD collection of Viewtiful Joe, or an online-enabled Project Justice? Do I even need to ask if Megaman is ever going to escape the moon?
Well forget about those questions, because the answer is finally here! Capcom Carousal: Because We're Neglected! answers each and every doubtful Capcom's fans worries, and all at the same time! By pitting the eclectic roster of Capcom's greatly neglected series together in a mini-game collection, fans of Capcom's quality series' can watch their favorite heroes compete for the hallucinatory title of "King Carousal," all the while catching up and learning about each character's present and future unhappiness! Each mini-game begins with the characters rolling a die; whatever number pops is the number of whiskey shots you're character has to take. Drink too much and your character might just start revealing what's been going on in their life and why their series flopped as they compete in totally meaningless mini-games of beach volley-ball and Simon Says. Get ready, Capcom fans; Megaman is sure to let you know how much of a cheap piece-of-s*** you are because it was obviously your fault the series ended, and Viewtiful Joe might just shed some viewtiful tears as he regrets being an action-game that did something different and enjoyable rather than what is commercially prominent.
Be excited, gamers; Capcom Carousal is a game created wholly by you!--- and your wallet habits.

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